I mean, either go big or go home, right??
Well, I guess. Not, generally, however, when it comes to failure. Although really, of you a re gonna make your mark you may as well make it really clear.
And my mark last week? One of resounding and epic failure. Sure, we all have those regrettable moments as a parent. We look at ourselves and say, “Could have done that better” or “Did I really just do that?” or “Holy bleep I AM becoming my mother!!” But every once in a while it is bad, it is SO bad, there is nothing to do but, well, immortalize it publicly, humiliating oneself in a blog. So here we go. Now remember – it is not even that any one of these is unforgivable. Rather, they are all awful, but compiled together in the short span of like 3 days, they become this combustible yet impressive volcano of mommy crap.
1.) At the end of the week, after school line pick up, Kincaid began a conversation in the car. “Mommy, I love you.” “Aw. I love you too buddy.” “Mommy, you know I like your food right?” “Sure bud.” “Well I didn’t like your food today. It was SO bad.” “Sorry about that little man. Do you not like ham and cheese any more? You eat it every day.” “Mommy, you KNOW I love ham and cheese. But mommy, today, I didn’t like it. I took a bite and it was so gross so I took another bite or two and then gave up because I wanted to puke. A LOT!!” “Wow. Ok. That’s too bad.” “Well I looked at it and there were these green spots. The gray spots did not taste as bad as the green spots. But the green spots were REALLY bad. I mean, I tried to eat it mommy but I just couldn’t do it.” “Um, oops.” How in the word did I miss putting green spotted ham on ALL my kids’ sandwiches? What the heck is WRONG with me?? And side note, how sweet is that kid that he repeatedly at green spotty ham, trying to like it?? Hahahaha. Um, not really funny. But you know….
2.) While having a playdate with another mom and her 4 kids, I thought little Marlowe was in her room with the two little girls. It wasn’t until I heard the screeching wail, right outSIDE the kitchen door, that I realized she had crawled outside, and fallen down the cement garage stair. She looks like she was in a bar brawl.
3.) As I got into the car after weight training on Saturday morning to drive to my 6 mile run location (a big bridge), I saw something on the floor. It was a Mrs. Fields semi sweet chocolate chip nibbler. I bought 12 fresh ones the day before, and gave them out to my kids. I was SO good and did not eat any. Marlowe, however, must have dropped one. Because it was looking at me. The cookie. A cookie that Marlowe had probably sucked on, and then dropped. Onto the floor. If my disgustingly dirty SUV. I mean, the level of filth is unparalleled unless you have an equal number of kids. And I picked it up. Then I put it in my mouth. For the record, to be fully accountable and give full disclosure, the song High Enough” by the Damn Yankees came on. And while chewing grimy floor cookie, I sang along, knowing all the words, to one of the worst songs ever. SO much shame.
4.) This one is bad. Like as in, not funny bad, but regular bad. On Sunday afternoon I popped a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Yeah, I am SO hard core. I know it. Anyway, I took a couple of sips then Ken called and said to get a sitter because he had some plans for us. I put the drink down, talked to the sitter, and we left 20 minutes later after I shuffled our afternoon around. I rarely have a drink at home. Maybe a glass of wine, or a Mike’s. I don’t like beer. (Ok, understatement. I HATE beer. It is like cold fizzy urine. But grosser.) But if I do, I pour out any left and throw away the bottle. Well, I didn’t. And when I got home, like 4 hours later, there was a half inch of liquid left. (cringe….). I asked around. Chase acknowledged that she had sipped a little bit, but was mostly upset because she spilled the majority of it and thought I would be mad for the mess she made. (Sure enough, the entire kitchen floor was particularly sticky). While I was relieved that she had spilled most of it, her demeanor while telling me this, crying and lying on the floor, was somewhat suspect. Reminded me of some friends, who played out that exact night in college, like every night.
5.) In 2 days I forgot a chiropractic appointment, a car appointment, soccer practice, and I think a few other things, but I forget what they all are. Were. Whatever.
6.) Doll mutilation. During another playdate, my older son and his friend mutilated my oldest daughter’s American Girl doll. Hadley wrote on her fabric chest. The other kid pushed nails through her face. Deeper issues? Honestly I don’t think so…the boys normally build stuff. They regularly hammer and nail; their favorite show is destroy build destroy and Chase had been torturing them prior to said incident. But Abigail, the doll, now looks more like a teen angst ridden, rave attending, goth styling, excessively facial tattooed version of the sweet little doll she used to be. In all honesty, I don’t really care. My only concern?? This will not be a reflection of my daughter’s style choices moving forward….(not that I am opposed to some expressive choices but, well, the doll looks like she belongs in Night of the Living Dead….)
Please note – this is where the original post was going to end. I had not posted yet though, and now I know why. Because my failures had still not been completed….
7.) Floor pizza. Last night, I made some rockin homemade pizza. It is chock filled with veggies like peppers, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, and has organic chicken sausage. The kids love it. Well I cleaned up after dinner but must have missed a spot, supposedly under the table. Because this morning when I got out of the shower, Marlowe was on the kitchen floor, eating a piece of pizza. Apparently, a piece must have landed on the floor (5 kids. pizza flying everywhere. don’t you judge me.) Marlowe, thus, must have found it. It was there. Under the table. All night. And she was chomping away. Apparently, the pizza is even better the next day. Who doesn’t like pizza for breakfast, right???