why sometimes I hate my own heart…and how laundry can be the most precious gift….

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I ran only 2 miles this morning. But I ran them very hard, and very fast…relatively speaking for me. In fact, get ready to laugh, but I ran two miles, at about 18.5 minutes. That means a 9.25 minute mile.

Not so fast, you may say, and scoff, rightfully so.

But to be fair, it was a mile up and a mile down, pushing a stroller up, and holding it back on the way down. AND I am very, very slow. So this, to me, was basically a two mile sprint. And I am pretty sure I will feel it tomorrow.

And it still is not enough.

8 miles on a bike later, and now I KNOW I will feel it tomorrow.

Maybe though I wanted to feel. Maybe I want something to burn, to hurt, other than my heart. Loss is part of life. I know that. I get that. I even embrace it. When someone dies well, I get it. I have great compassion and patience and understanding. Until that “someone” is too young to be dying. Then it just seems, well, SO not right. My dad dying at 63 was young, but not so young. Either way it was sad, but not altogether shocking. Watching my precious aunt and godmother pass after her valiant battle with cancer….Again, late 60’s which is still too young but she saw the birth of all of her grandchildren. Impacted more people in her life and world than most of us will ever do even if we live to 120. My FL father inlaw’s sister in law…another cancer battle, another loss, but a life lived longer.

It is the young.

Or when only the young are left….then oh, it burns. It burns badly. My warrior friend Ingrid…she is in glory, and I feel for her husband, a man of great faith and strength and resilience, but more for her children, left behind as young teens. Ugh. A young husband, drops, just a couple of weeks ago. A shocked and broken wife, and 2 kids, still grieving. Ugh. A father at home, murdered by an intruder, teenaged kids left behind. Ugh. A sweet little girl, battling since birth, broken, but now home in heaven. Double ugh.

And now I watch as one of my best friends in the whole world sits, day in and day out, with the mom of a young man, barely a man, although a 16 year old boy would say he is ALL man and any mom would say, no, he is just a boy….is lost. I knew him, his mom. His family. But not well. Not years of my kids playing together. Not years of family outings and milestones. So I don’t know the real pain in my head but my heart just breaks again and again, passing that place where he was killed SO needlessly. And for those who truly LOVED him, and still do, it is almost too much to bear….my friend, crying, as she did the laundry of her own boys yesterday morning, because she still has her sons whole and in tact, to do laundry FOR.

We can easily forget, family and friends and online mystery people, that laundry is a gift. I mean, who would think that?? Who would ever imagine that the folding of socks, or better yet, the picking up of nasty, stinky, smelly teenage boy socks, is a precious gift? Is something to cherish and absorb and breathe in like air? Like sustenance? Keeping us whole and balanced? Because we are not ever promised more….more days, more health, more anything.

Then this morning in an online group I posted a quick note, because someone had asked me, about jet lag. And I got a quick silly negative response….So petty, meaningless really. I don’t care about that person or her comments. But in all honesty, it was the straw and the camel and all that, as I told someone, and I just realized….why? Why waste ONE of my precious minutes in this unpromised life, listening to, reading, absorbing, or even defending myself against online negativity? What really does it bring? What is the benefit? Nothing. That’s what. Nada. I get more beauty and joy and fulfillment and truth and LIFE out of each moment spent changing a dirty diaper. Wrestling with my boys. Cooking another casserole…and picking up dirty sweaty smelly boy socks….than I could EVER get out of a silly online debate with people who fight, just to fight. So I left. I bailed. And I will continue to do that…from all things and all wastes and all people in my life who do nothing but tear down or dwell on the negative. Because there is not a promise. And I want to breathe in my beautiful, rebellious, whiny, funny, crazy, back talking, exhaustive, brilliant, perfectly imperfect children and family.

Which means yes. I would rather do laundry.

puberty conversation, sweet family news, travel pans, and hopefully, a break through…

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Man. The last 24 hours have been banner ones.

First up? The hubs left town for a few days. He has been working on something for about 4 months…preparing and tutoring as he was considering going back to school because a pretty major opportunity was presented his way. Well, yesterday was the final interview and decision day. And despite the fact that he has never gone to college, my husband will be starting an incredibly prestigious executive MBA program in the new year. He will have to be gone from us a bit more for the next 2 years, but in the long run it should be worth it.

Next up?? Sweet little Marlowe has regressed a tad in the sleep department which can be normal. We made a few changes in how new people meet her, not being held, etc. I also took all dairy out of her diet….and this is now the second day in a row she has gone to sleep without getting upset. Knocking on wood that she sleeps through the night again!!

Thirdly, we have some amazing travel coming up. Everything is now confirmed and booked….NYC for Christmas and New Year’s anyone?? ME!!!! Can’t wait and just praying we get some snow this time and NOT a crazy heat wave. And maybe even more importantly, in two weeks, yes, TWO WEEKS, we will be introducing little Marlowe to the wonderful world of DISNEY!!!!!! Can’t wait to cry my eyes out – i mean enjoy – it’s a small world with my baby.

And finally, we went to dinner tonight with some good friends. We discussed many things, including their older boys, one of whom recently got married. Staying in close communication with my kids is vital…open communication was NOT something I had at all growing up, nor was unconditional love and acceptance so making my home a place of safety and acceptance has been a priority for me. Anyway, we chatted with these friends about approaches to s*xuality, adulthood, language, being honest, etc with your teenagers…and then I came home to my oldest being still awake. Hadley is 10 1/2 and is in some ways far older (sensitivity wise) and in some ways far younger (naivety and innocence wise). I tucked him in and somehow it morphed into his commentary on recent potential pubescent changes, all of which he keeps me very well informed as he tracks his progress daily, which then turned into him mentioning that at school he would soon be having some “talks.” I knew this was my moment…

I dove in.

I dove in deep, ya’ll. Yup. Although we had already talked about puberty and what happens for boys, I explained why it happens, and the purpose behind it, the whole physical process side of things, what s*x really is (and I put the asterisk for sensitive browsers NOT because I am shy hahahaha), the purposes behind it, puberty for girls, and the egg and the sperm and the whole thing. It took like 4 minutes total. At the end, Hadley was like, “that’s it? i thought it would be more complicated. so explain to me exactly what a tampon is again? ok. makes sense. i love you mom.” And that was it.

So ladies, as you enter into high school with my boy, be assured that, if your purse spills and your lady products roll out, my kid will NOT be the one laughing. In fact, when I said some people are shy, and others are mean and tease he said, “Why? It is just body stuff. Who cares??”

Exactly, son. Exactly.

I showed parenting who’s boss tonight. Cyber fist bump, thank you very much.

all allergies are not created equal. a short, informative, and humiliating post of warning to you all….

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I have some allergies to things. These allergies are well documented, and thus I am careful. Dust mites. Cat and animal fur in varying degrees. Then years later, after testing, I discovered that I am actually allergic to roaches. (Yes, seriously. I KNEW there was a logical reason I hate them so desperately…). Some things we may not know about, because we don’t put them into the parts of our bodies that will react poorly. This can be because of volume, location, skin and hormonal sensitivity, who knows. I am not a doctor. Or an allergist. Or an olfactory specialist.

All of this to say that I love lemon grass. The scent is light and airy and fresh and clean. Hand soap kitchen favorite…the best. Well, I found it infused in my favorite organic oatmeal all natural soap, so I bought it and started using. HEAVEN!!!! I barely had to moisturize!!!

For three days.

And then I started to realize that, via various side effects, lemon grass oil should not be infused onto and into certain things. Things that, to be adequately specific, may touch your private parts.

Note to self, as fresh and light and airy you may want your lady parts to be, do a patch test. Something. ANYTHING. Before lathering up. Because man, that was a very, VERY unpleasant way to learn that my private parts have an acute allergy to lemongrass. And may God have mercy on my soul. Amen.

A quick post to clear up any misconstrued ideas from my other “letter to adoptive families” post

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Sigh.

Look. I am not the end all be all on Chinese adoptive process. Never said I was. So I find it silly to have to do this, but apparently, in today’s world of over analysis and the need to nit pick, (along with a few actually well intentioned queries) I will gladly expound on a couple of things. Quickly. (because THIS is not how I spend my time, writing posts to clarify something that only a few found the need to freak out about when all the writing has been on the wall for YEARS, and I am making dinner for my family so this will get 5 minutes of speedy writing….)

1.) “China wants to keep its girls. We need our girls. We have let too many of them go.  Of all of our children actually.” This was a bold statement, something that in the past the country has not often acknowledged until recently….the failure of the one child policy. But to clarify for the folks who have an issue with this, let’s use an analogy, ok? “America loves its football.” Um, yeah. This is not a statement of every person, NOR is it a statement of the GOVERNMENT. It is about the PEOPLE as a collective whole. Duh. Disagree? Well billions in salaries, endorsements, retail, and other businesses would prove you wrong. It is a statement about an average consensus of the PEOPLE on a matter. “China wants to keep its girls” was a statement about the changes in PEOPLE. In perception towards gender, which is easily proven because there are very few abandoned HEALTHY girls any more in China, and this is verifiable. Does it still happen? Yes. But not even close to what it used to be. The statement was also not, “The Chinese government now has a plan in place to keep all females and make them available for marriage and slave trade.” Sadly, there is corruption in government all over the globe. Last I knew, America also has a problem with corrupt government, the sex slave trade, and more. So it is not perfect. But taken in context, the statement was about its people, and not its government. I mean, if I made this statement, “America wants its baseball” I am pretty sure no one would make the assumption that this is a government thing. It is a people thing. That is all that statement was. And yes, China, its PEOPLE, have let too many of their children go. For whatever reason. And those people, China, is valuing its daughters more and wants to keep them in homes, in families, and yes, to marry sons too. And on that note let me also say, China’s children are indeed CHINA’S children. We have no claim on them, whether or not we agree with all of their policies, approaches, or parenting practices. China, her PEOPLE, have every right to want to keep their children in their birth country, in their birth families, for whatever purpose. It should have been that way all along. I can only hope and pray that the Chinese people get more resources to allow them to parent their children emotionally, economically, and medically, in the best ways possible.

2.) “We are still for now adopting children out.” Yes, he said this. And it is a great statement because yes, international adoptions are continuing. Question answered. The “for now” part? Their job at the CCCWA is to work themselves out of a job. I love that!! (The phrase was borrowed from my agency (CCAI) owner, Joshua.) They would do this by placing all children domestically, and helping to change the faulty perspective in China that SN kids are any less than other kids. I hope and pray that one day they are able to achieve this lofty goal. We don’t even do this in America, so we could ALL work on this one. But it will be a long time coming, and in the mean time, let’s bring kids home to families who will love them!!

3.) “These will only be the children with great medical needs….America is good about this.” Yes. They want to keep their healthy children, and their minor needs children, and they are doing so. Anyone following the numbers can see this. These minor needs files WILL get fewer and farther between. They already have been!! So what is the big surprise and big mystery….just because you don’t want to acknowledge something doesn’t make it less true. And that is a GOOD thing, whether or not you like it. Does it mean tomorrow international adoption will end? No. Did I say that? No. Did I even imply it? Nope. Sure didn’t. But it is the goal of China nonetheless and although that makes me happy in some ways, in others yes it saddens me because I think of my friends waiting, and that wait is going to get longer for those in line. But with more disruptions than ever before, partly because everyone just assumes the special needs are merely orphanage delays and no more, we need to be aware and informed that the days of “oh, my child is totally healthy and China just gave her away because she is a girl/he has a scar/she is missing one finger/he has a club foot!!” are LONG gone. But we still think this is true. It’s not. It has not been for a while now. But still, there is shock when this is mentioned. Heck, the thread on RQ is like, “um, this is not news. we all knew this.” And maybe there, they did. Elsewhere? Well sadly, apparently not. Because people are emailing, calling, and writing, saying “what? non special needs adoptions are ending? there are no more minor special needs? or hardly any? no more 3 month waits??” No. There are not any more 3 month waits for one-minor-need little girl files. And anyone who says otherwise either got a mistaken file or is lying (which is why I said that choosing an agency with great care is more important than ever before!!!) And that’s what I said. So all the fuss, needing to call and write an agency, imply I am lying, saying I said “adoption is over” is so silly. YES I am sad because it means longer waits, and like the NSN program, an EVENTUAL end to the process. But the NSN still exists. A snails pace, but still. Same with the future of any minor SN girls (we are starting to see that now and have been for a while ) and will eventually also see with the boys.

4.) I have great respect for China. I also have trouble with her. Both with her government, and her people. I don’t apologize for that, and I expressed that feeling in my post. Because guess what, I feel the same way about America. We have much here that is great. We have much here that is broken. I don’t think “this is the end, right now, of international Chinese adoption” nor did I say that. I don’t think, “yay!! all children will now staying in loving birthfamilies!!” nor did I say that. I don’t think, “people with files in line should just give up now” nor did I say that. (um, duh.) I DO think, and I DID say (in online board posts especially), that people waiting for as young as possible MINOR needs girls need to reevaluate because they will be waiting a LONG time (many people are at the 2 year mark, or near there now). They need to consider if they can handle greater needs, or if they can consider a boy as these are LID files with far more minor needs, relatively speaking. Heck, in China we visited an SWI and a group foster home. BOTH locations had over 70% boys, and very few girls. The girls had very serious needs. The boys were far more minor and almost all correctable. So people need to carefully consider their options moving forward.

After much thought, I was compelled to share what I was told point blank. I did indeed share with my agency owner, right from the start after we returned home, and anything anyone takes out of context and reports on or complains about is misconstrued and that is not my responsibility. I shared what was shared with me. I like some of it, and don’t like some of it. But that’s life, really. So we all need to deal with it, praying and hoping for the best, for the children. Because again, it is not about US.

Marlowe and her sweetness and her little needs….a few changes for now

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I posted a while back about bonding and attachment. An online friend reminded me of it and it was a timely reminder actually. If you missed it, here is the link. It is a pretty blunt reminder and request to our friends and family to understand and respect the boundaries of attaching. Feel free to use it, share with others, etc. Sometimes this kind of request and explanation comes better from someone else. “Yeah. Hey grandma. I know you have waited, but you can’t actually hold the baby yet.” Ouch.

http://thesweetfamilylife.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/a-letter-for-the-family-and-friends-of-those-adopting-a-little-one/

Having said that, Marlowe is doing beautifully. Surprisingly so. Thus, the need for hard core cocooning is unnecessary. I had planned to do that with her if necessary, but she has done well.

In fact, it is like having a little Elis Rey all over again. Same experience. And now, same drawbacks. With Elis Rey it took longer to recognize. This time? It took 3 out of 5 days.

You see, Marlowe has attached (or not HAS, but IS, as it is an ongoing process) to me pretty well. She prefers me over all others, seeks me out, comes to me and understands simple comments and commands…she is also doing well with the other members of our family and is social and fun. She has started to recognize the additional people in our daily lives. Elis Rey did the same thing after a couple of weeks. And then Elis Rey went from good nights’ rests to waking up a few times a night, not wanting to go to bed, etc. We couldn’t figure it out. Marlowe has started the same thing, and this time we get it. Now.

Five out of the last 5 days she has had time with people and stimulation other than her immediate family. But three of those she has been held, happily, by other people. Now, I allow it because she still happily focuses on me, has her needs like food, diaper changes, clothing, etc all met by me. But she is social, playful and smiley and truly enjoys interaction with others. And on the 3 of those days she has fought sleep, woken up repeatedly at night, had tummy issues, etc.

And sadly that means the extra holding and snuggling by non-immediate family members has to stop.

For now.

We need to kick it back a notch. Because she is unhappy? Nervous? Scared? Nope. Heck, she LOVES a whole lot of other people already. Chase’s buddies Sophia and Kira, a few of my buddies, Uncle Andrew who is a part time extra dad…she does great.

But somewhere in her little subconscious her primal loss kicks in, and her body responds at rest time with anxiety because she is processing things in ways her mind is not recognizing. She will push through it. She will be fine. She will get to be snuggly with others soon enough, I am certain of it. In the meantime, family and friends, give me a little grace and trust that I DO know what I am doing, and that for now, it is the 6 of us who can hold her for a while only. We have a lifetime, so don’t worry. :) You can squeeze her again, soon enough….

a hard post to write to the adoption community, and to waiting children…

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This was a tough one for the adoption side of my world. Before you read this, IF YOU ARE WAITING, know that things can change at any time. Know that I don’t WANT any of you to hurt because of this. Know that I was not looking to be right, and there is no joy in sharing this. Know also, that I gave a LOT of thought before I decided to share it, but that I had to because first, I need to be honest, and second it DOES affect people waiting.

Some of you may recall that, a few months back, we hosted the Director and other delegates from the CCCWA in our home. We spent about 4 hours together. The time was meant for them to see an adoptive family in action, and to interact with them personally. That’s what we did. At the end of that visit, you do what do when visiting someone from far away, “Sure. When you come to town let me know. We would love to see you again.” Was it sincere? Yup. But there is always a “token” sort of gesture in that. So when the CCCWA Director told us to let him know when we came to China for our new daughter so that sure, maybe we could get together, we assumed it was a bit of lip service. Heck, even our agency owner was like, “that’s very nice but don’t expect anything.”

So we didn’t.

But we were wrong.

Two days before leaving we gave our agency owner the update on our dates. We only had two small, very small, windows during which we could visit the office of the CCCWA. Well, Director Li chose one. Thus, on the return side of our trip, the day before leaving for the States, we would be visiting the offices.

Our time together was delightful. It was our whole family, along with our guide. We saw several of the delegates, along with his interpreter, the Assistant Director, an official photographer, etc. We did the formal gift exchange. We sat at the conference table. We talked.

Or mostly, he talked. He asked my kids questions about what they liked best about China, to which they all gave a resounding vote for the food, with “getting baby Marlowe” as a close second. He asked us what we had done in China, where we had gone, and our experience of the adoptive process. We shared very openly. He then really looked at Marlowe, and started speaking. He asked about her health, her adjustment, her attachment. Wonderful questions from a man in charge who could be very removed from the process because he is at the top of the administrative level. But his care and concern for the baby came through very clearly. I was quite touched, and moved to tears almost by his sincere joy at our family’s happiness and the health and wellbeing of my daughter.

Then he spoke for a while.

Several times his interpreter looked at him sharply, hesitating before translating his comments. Then our interpreter would look at them and then at us. He was, well, very very open about the intention of China, the focus on the adoption process and where it is now going, and even made implications about its goal.

He was passionate and focused. And I was both happy and sad, sad and happy.

Those of us in the realm of the adoption community have of course seen all the signs for this, at least those willing to acknowledge it. There is an acute shortage of girls in China. There is a lightening up of the one child policy. Domestic adoption is on the rise. There are changes happening, and we have been watching it happen for a couple of years. Then very early this year we watched the referral numbers change. It affected us. No agencies would own or discuss it. In fact, some promoted against it. Why? Because the Chinese adoption process is inconstant at best, and always changing. But some things you can see….just like the slowdown and the eventual end of the non special needs process….if you look carefully, and are open, you could see it. The girl files?? They were not coming in. And the majority of girl files coming in? Special focus with far greater needs.

A lot of debate has gone on about this. At first, I would participate. People needed to be prepared!! But then I realized some did not want to. Or some were hopeful! Or some, well, who knows….but I stopped. Anyone looking at and studying the numbers, the referrals, etc could see the change. So I have known this for 7-8 months. BUT.

Having it confirmed, well, that I was not expecting. And like I said, that makes me both happy and sad.

The fact is, and this is paraphrased but stayed pretty true as we even recorded part of it, “China wants to keeps its girls. We need our girls. We have let too many of them go. Our children in general. We are still for now adopting children out. But these will only be the girls, well, the children, who have great medical needs. America is very good about this. You have many doctors and many people to help these children. Your families will love these children. Some agencies work very hard to place these children and we are glad to have them find homes. But your daughter was very lucky. She is quite healthy. She would be in China right now.”

There was more, and like I said that is a paraphrase, although very close to the reality of what was said. I was pretty shocked. To hear these things get said so openly in a country and with an organization not exactly known for its “openness” with its clients and with families….this was shocking to me. Ken was floored. As the Director spoke to someone for a moment, Ken leaned over and said, “Um, he is saying that they are going to be stopping adoptions????” That is even how he heard it. Me? I heard that adoptions will continue. But it will be the greater medical needs for all children eventually, with that happening right now for girls. And eventually, who knows…

When we were dossier to China (DTC) and then logged in (LID), we had been told to expect a very quick match. That was literally however when it happened. The slowdown. Our MCC was actually pretty broad. We were open to multiple needs, all minor to moderate. And it had been on file at that point for over 20 months. It took another 4 months….unheard even a few months before this….to wait so long for this many needs…

That has remained.

Yes, a few “healthier” girl files still come in. But what before were “mild to moderate” needs are now considered healthy girls, with files being given to the folks still waiting in the NSN line. And a few more slip through here and there. But the numbers don’t lie.

The problem?

Some agencies do.

Choosing an agency moving forward as this process changes, yet again, is going to be vital. There are agencies literally saying they are getting the minor needs files in when others don’t get them. This is just not happening. And current traveling families are sadly discovering this.

For the record I am going to say something very important. And for this I may get skewered. The fact is, I am happy. I am happy we are not getting these files. The fact is these are NOT our children. They are China’s sons and daughters. We have been beyond blessed that she, China, has shared her children with us. But we are not entitled to them. We are not owed any kinds of files. We are not owed any rights.

Do I disagree with things still going on in China? How and why there is such a huge increase in domestic adoption? Some of the issues surrounding it all? Yes. I do still disagree and I do still struggle. But I know my place. And that is to respect and understand that China has a right to her own children and that staying with birth families or in birth communities where these beautiful children will never lose site of their ethnicity, heritage, culture…..that is what is best.

But Leah, what about saving the orphans?

***commence the skewering***we were never told to save anyone. We were told to care for the widows and the orphans. We were told to care FOR THE LEAST OF THESE. To care for someone or something means to wish the best for him, for her, for them, and to give to the needs without an expectation of “ownership” as some would imply with adoption (falsely of course). Caring for the least of these does not mean adopting them, or if we took those Bible verses in context and properly we would be giving homes to the widows, homes to newly released felons, homes to the homeless. But instead we meet this one with the added convenience of building our families. We should not adopt because we are called to save an orphan. We should adopt if we are called to a child for our family. Yes, I am a woman of faith. Yes, I believe I was “called” to adopt my daughters. But not to save them. I am a greedy woman and I want a large family and right now there are needs across the globe for children and homes. It happens to match up. That’s it. I, we, people of faith, whatever, are NEVER told to save anyone. Only one guy in the entire history of the world was told to do that, and I assure you it ain’t you or me. I was CALLED to grow my family through this process. But I am additionally called to care for orphans by sponsorship, donating to medical orphanages, helping maintain birth families when possible. I am also called to give and serve the homeless. To provide opportunity for those without it. Resources. Gifts. Prayer. And more. I believe adoption is an absolutely wonderful way to build a family. But it is indeed born out of loss and we can not ever forget that, nor can we rely on the need to save anyone. Not our job, not our calling, and never ever, EVER was. So to not have that loss in the first place is almost always better, and that is what is starting to happen and for that? We should rejoice.

Consider that this is NOT ABOUT US. I don’t say this casually. “Yes you are Leah. You just came home with your daughter.” No. I don’t. Why? Because I said it before I got my referral. Before I had my match. While I waited, crying at night, knowing the matches were few and far between because the greater needs are NOT something my family can manage based on where we live, family dynamics, and more. We have our girl now, and she is perfect for us. Your child is somewhere, perfect for you too. He or she just might look very different than you envision.

I have delayed posting this because I think of two women in particular, for whom I care very much, waiting and waiting and WAITING. And oh my gosh the wait is beyond brutal….for those not in it…you can not even imagine. I have also delayed because I wanted to share everything with the owner of my agency. They are aware….have seen it but have of course been hopeful. Moving forward will look different, maybe not now, but soon enough. If your agency is telling you differently, you need to reconsider some things, or ask some tough questions. Because yes, this is accurate. Yes, this was the discussion. It IS hard for me….China and I have a complicated relationship. There are things I don’t discuss (amazing right??) because they belong to my kids ONLY. Our first adoption….different than this one. So I love China. I am also very wary of the country as well. But China will always be beautiful to me. China made my family complete. Whole. Final. And I will ALWAYS be grateful and respect her for that. But I want things changed for the better, for the children. And that means some of us will hurt in all of this. But isn’t that our goal? The children? If we focus on this part, then everything else will be ok. It will. Cling to that.

for those in the midst of great loss or pain of any kind…the waves and wind still know His name….a brief post

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i know so much hurt right now. friends. family. neighbors. love. so much brokenness and grief and uncertainty. a friend just posted this song to my Facebook page and its beauty and simplicity speaks incredibly profoundly. take a moment to listen, and consider in your life, your heart, your mind, your soul, where you need things to be well. where you need things and thoughts and hurts to heal. what do you need? where do you lack? what is broken? where is your fear? find it. acknowledge it. grasp onto it and know that in the midst of the storm there can still be peace, which seems impossible until you are the one, in the boat, rocking and threatening to be overturned and drowned in the tremendous swell.

so let go my soul and trust in Him…so let go my soul and trust in Him…so let go my soul and trust in Him….the waves and wind still know His name.

It is well. With my Soul. It is well. With my Soul. It is Well. With my Soul. It is well, it is well, with my Soul. Through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all, it is well.

What an amazing song. Click link, press play, close your eyes, and rest in these words.

want prayer? message me. i am on it.