This past week we got a call. In all honesty, in the adoption realm it is termed “THE CALL” because it can have the referral of your child in that call, making it of pivotal and life changing importance. Ken was out of town in the middle of the week and the call came while I was making supper.
The email the agency sent had a picture of a sweet little cutie patootie…a little girl in China. Upon review of the file she is healthy in every way, which is pretty much miraculous!! But from the start I was not fully at ease. Now, with Elis Rey, we had the lightning bolt moment. I opened the email, saw all 8 pictures, heard a few scary terms and didn’t understand them, but I KNEW. I knew immediately this was our daughter. This time? No lightning bolt. But more than that…an unease. NOT about her health or that she would be an amazing daughter. But maybe, well, not OURS.
However, having been through this process and believing in the wisdom I receive from many many adoptive parents, the lightning bolt moment is actually UNcommon. And of course you can not compare experiences. So I stayed open to the thought that this precious sweetie was our little girl and I waited for Ken to get home. He returned and I showed him the file, and he took the weekend to review the file. In the meantime we received additional medical and developmental information. Developmentally? On target. Her medical history? All clear. This is a totally healthy little girl and I prayed, fervently, for God to show me if this was our little one. By Sunday, Ken was ready to talk. And then is when both the hurt and the small miracle happened.
“Leah, she is healthy in every way which you know is the most important part for me. She is cute, is totally being loved in her orphanage, and she is on target. But there is just something, I don’t know. I feel like this is not our daughter. I don’t feel right. I think she is to be in someone else’s family. I would rather get a file with uncertainty in the baby’s file than have this uncertainty in my heart. I think God put it there. She is not ours.”
Yes. Hurt. My heart hurt because I had spent five days memorizing her picture. I had watched the video again and again. And so knowing that someone else would be caring for and loving this child hurt. Hurt that I would still be waiting to know who our child would be…hurt simple and raw.
But the miracle…I will take it. You see, I told Ken I was excited about this little one but that I was just not sure. But I didn’t go into detail about my feelings, about the lack of settled-ness I had. And when he felt the same way, it was a solid confirmation that God was speaking to our hearts, separately, yet together. And the miracle?? That my husband really listened and threw aside the pragmatic and focused on the mystical. THAT is SOOOOO not my husband.
We don’t expect a lightning bolt again. We do, however, expect to hear the still small voice, assuring us of who His daughter is for US. I stand on that, and trust on that. And this weekend learned to trust my husband more and more….which is wonderful and I will take. Because again, we wait. But in that wait there is hope and trust and joy so wait we shall, knowing that God will show us both the daughter He has for us, and together we will move forward, willing to move heaven and earth, to go get her.