the bad decisions i made today that will give you a giggle…

Ok. I made a few bad choices today. I will keep this post short and sweet. Because, to go into the details of it would be another bad choice so rather than further humiliate slash vilify myself, I will simply leave it at this.

1.) I ate a half bowl of hummus. I think that hummus is super yummy. However, it was not meant to be eaten in larger quantities. Or maybe it is. I do not, however, have the constitution of a lovely Moroccan national, and therefore this was a bad decision for me.

2.) I let Kincaid pee in my water bottle on the way home instead of stopping at a restroom like a normal person. I did this with Hadley also when he was 3 and to this day he sees a Zephyrhills bottle and feels the need to urinate. Apparently, for Kincaid, it will be all Fiji water bottles that do the trick…And on a side note, an hour later I got into the car and forgot and……yeah.

3.) I taught Elis Rey how to throw things into the garbage can. This seems like a good thing, right? Well, not so much. When I saw her standing in front of the kitchen counter, (the universal garbage can resting place), in front of an open cabinet door, with her hands inside the trash can I became concerned. This was magnified when I called her name and watched as she looked up at me. In her right hand was a half eaten ear of corn, from the night before. In her left hand?? the remnants of a sloppy joe bun, also half eaten. The worst part? She was chewing. Not sure WHICH one she was chewing but since they were both old, and since they had both been in the trash neither option was a good option.

Yup. Only 3 bad choices today. But I think that these are enough, don’t you? I am sure I will make more by tomorrow, so don’t worry.

 

why we will now remove all technology from the grasp of our kids…

I decided today to take all technology away from my wonderful, yet unknowingly criminally minded little children.

Let me clarify. We have not had any xbox, playstation, or wii. We don’t let them have computers or ninetndo ds or anything. But this Christmas they were given an iPod (a nice big one) and Hadley was given a new iPad for his birthday. From us? Nope. A grandparent. And of course, a well meaning one. Ken went through and programmed the iPod and put safety measures etc on it. A week later, Hadley walked in playing the song, “Right Round” by Flo Rida. “Um, honey? Whatcha playin”?” “Oh I don’t know. Daddy put a few things on for me but now everything from his phone is on here.” A few moments of research wielded a slew of problems. Apparently he downloaded everything from his phone into our son’s iPod. ALL of his business and personal contacts along with Ken’s entire playlist which, if you recall from previous posts, is surprisingly colorful and inappropriate given my husband’s normal nerdy somewhat blah exterior (which I love..). And although I think it amusing when my husband sings along with some crude lyrics for me personally at night, my 8 year old hearing how, “From the top of the poll, I watch her go down. She got me throwin’ my money around, ain’t nothin’ more beautiful to be found…” about a stripper, well, not good. (Hadley of course did not get the stripper part yet so that is helpful…)

Needless to say I had a “chat” with Kenny. He took the iPhone/iPod thingy back and it has sine been mysteriously unable to recharge for the last week. Oh no!! (wink wink). Next, last Friday, I got an email from Apple with my recent purchases. Apparently I had 38 bucks billed this month. But I only had bought like 2 songs…um…read more of the email, and how I somehow bought like 6 different versions of angry birds is beyond me. So now gadget number two is off limits. Next up? The iPad also had a 30 something dollar angry bird order so Ken password protected it. (He had already set the thing for games at 9 and under age appropriateness…).  Ken gets home from work on Saturday and he can’t check his email. Hadley had hacked onto HIS iPhone and changed HIS password and password protected and locked all of KEN’S emails and apps and everything else. Personally I thought this was funny. He had to beg his kid for the password, and now we took the iPad away. However, it was not quick enough, because today Kincaid told Hadley he was going to shoot him in the balls. WHAT?? Needless to say we don’t talk like that. Despite the laughter from the backseat as Hadley and Chase roared, I asked, “Kincaid, where did you hear that?” “It is the batman cartoon mommy.” And he proceeded to quote the entire cartoon made of lego superheroes which was downloaded on the iPad as appropriate for 9 and under. Here it is, “Robin, I am gonna shoot you in the balls.” “Shut it batman. I am gonna shoot you in the balls.” “Oh please Robin. You are nothing but a used tampon. You’re never gonna amount to anything!!!”

Needless to say, we had a definite family “FAIL” in the area of technology this week. All devices have been removed and recoded (mom’s and dad’s) so that our sinister but freckled cutie kids with brilliant minds can not get back into this crap. Moving next month to a farm in Wyoming with no electricity where schooling will be done by fireside with only a Bible and an abacus…

The final, end all be all, perfect answer to weight loss and dieting…THE SECRET!!!!!!

Ok. Are you ready? This is the right answer. The perfect answer. The absolute secret to losing weight. Again, are you ready??

Eat LESS and workout MORE.

Yup. That’s it. It ain’t rocket science people. So…why all the trouble? The confusion, the conflicting information, debates between doctors and nutritionists and programs…why the people who work hard and can’t lose it, or yo yo diet and go back and forth and struggle and feel tortured??? Well, the number one problem is consistency. And of course this has to do with simple willpower and perseverance. The same reason people quit anything – because it is tough – is why they quit the simple weight loss solutions that work. Marriage hits tough spots? Well, bail if it gets too tough. Quitting smoking is brutal…so quit trying to quit. Paying the dues as you work your way up the corporate ladder and you are not appreciated? Find something else better suited to your greatness. See, the problem with all of this is it is about immediate fulfillment. Well, anything worthwhile is gonna be tough. A vibrant marriage? Takes effort. Quitting addiction? Brutally worthwhile. Living healthy? Also a commitment that takes effort. Nothing works overnight. People who have a gastric bypass, or lipo, or other quick fixes gain it back because they don’t change the approach that, regardless of the help they get, they still need to workout more and eat less than they were.

So why am I talking about it and why is this relevant to you? Well, here is why. I have a love/hate relationship with all the diet plans and formulas out there. Here is why. They all promise to be THE solution. That only THEIR program can help you do it right. But in essence, they are all similar. Whether you go with South Beach, Jenny Craig, Arbonne, ViSalis, Atkins, Slim Fast, Paleo, NutriSystem, Weight Watchers…they all do the same (in concept and not in approach) thing. At the end of the day, in different ways, they cut down your caloric intake.

But HERE is where the key comes into play. Any of these programs, if followed properly, can help you lose weight. Why one works for someone and not the other has to do with discipline, lifestyle, and level of accountability. Some people love choosing any and every food in specific amounts which is why Weight Watchers works. For people that feel too deprived to cut everything out, this point system is perfect. Nutri System?? Great because you can have every specific meal sent to you. No thought or effort. If you can be happy with shakes and supplements, then ViSalis and Slim Fast are options as you make a quick and easy shake twice a day…for those who like to cook, you can have freedom with South Beach. And so on. Each program has a different way to monitor progress, a different level of accountability and “hands-on-ness”, and types of food. I could never do a shake supplement program. I also could never really cut out all carbs consistently. So Atkins is out, as are the supplemental options.

What matters at the end of the day is not which is the ONLY diet or nutrition program that works, and not falling prey to the idea that there is only one option out there that will make you lose weight because none of the others are viable. I think there is validity in all of these, and more, diets. But again, the bottom line is to eat less and workout more.

So having said this, if you feel like you need to shed a size prior to bikini season, then start with these 3 tips. I guarantee…by doing no more than these you will easily drop a pound or two without trouble pretty quickly. 1.) Cut out drinks with the exception of water. Say no to juice and soda. BAM!! A pound in a week. Easy. Tons of calories out the window. (and don’t cheat with diet coke or tea with sweeteners. These things are awful for you, and fake sugars wreak havoc with the body – more to come on this in a future post…) 2.) Every day, add one additional outdoor activity. Walk around the neighborhood briskly with the kids. Or bike it. Rollerblade, ski, or kayak. I know a guy who shoots a bow and arrows with his daughter. Awesome. Whatever – do something. Every day of the week. BAM! Another pound. Pretty easy. 3.) Eat extra veggies at dinner (without butter and/or salad dressing) and more protein and cut your starch/carb in half or out completely. BAM! Another week? Another pound.

If you can do those 3 simple things over the course of 2 weeks I can almost guarantee you will drop 3 pounds. (And yeah, this will NOT work if you add an extra run to Mickey D’s in between meals…sorry.) It can be done. After this, look at your lifestyle and how you want to do it. Research the different programs and see which elements appeal to you. Finding the option that fits your lifestyle, personality, time, etc will set you up to succeed once you implement. Then jump in, and stick with it. And get active. Get fit. It can be done, and you can do it. Hmmm…should I post a before and after real life body picture at the end of the next few months as I get my pre-baby body back?? not a bad idea….but kind of scary…

 

why i dig being married…and a song.

I like being married. More specifically, I like being married to Kenny. He is a good, good man. He makes me laugh, is quite a handsome, and works hard for his family. He has plenty of bad traits, but I focus on the plenty of good traits. (well most of the time I focus on the good ones…)

As someone in my mid 30′s, I am understanding two things…a.) why people leave their marriages and 2.) people who leave for greener pastures are, for the most part, stupid. For a)?? I get it. The romance fades. The feelings go away. Why? Well, it is all chocolate and roses and wine and dinners out and top down in the convertible and lacy lingerie and mystery during the courtship and early days. Later on it is a car that is never clean, the chocolate is nutella the kids get into and smear all over the pantry, landscaping bills and mortgages, sweat pants and ponytails and receding hairlines, recycling, and hamburger casserole. So I get it. The only mystery I get nowadays is figuring out what disgusting food item is lodged in the cracks of the couch. I would be lying if I did not say that sure, the idea of romance and constant worship did not appeal to me.

But there is a strange and beautiful intimacy in the mundane stuff. Sure, it doesn’t scream romance and sensuality. But it whispers of endurance, and realizing that someone, for the first time in my life, totally has my back. And I ask – what is more romantic than that? I think that there are times, sadly, for divorce. Those don’t count. But because of some weight gain? A touch of boredom? A loss of self? Gimme a break. Grow up. You always lose yourself a bit when you love. That is what love is. And guess what – same thing will happen with the next person. A friend of mine posted a video recently on Facebook. The whole thing was good but one line stuck out to me about marriage. “It is NOT the love that sustains the promise but it is the PROMISE that sustains the love.”

So Kenny, here are the words of the ages, words of deep wisdom and truth, written by – wait for it – Rihanna in her song “you da one” that I hereby quote to you, and link to the audio below for anyone that wants to hear it.Honey, thanks for all the things in our marriage that are not picture perfect and pretty and photo shopped for people to think we are such a perfect couple. Instead – Thanks for gaining weight with me, losing hair with me, being sick with me, getting angry at me, cleaning the kitchen with me, paying the bills with me, yelling at the kids with me, and all the other non-pretty crap day in and day out that makes our marriage hum along. My promise will sustain my love, and not the other way around. And that is pretty daggone romantic.

“you da one that i dream about all day, you do one that i think about always, you are the one so i make sure i behave…your love is my love, my love is your love.”

mom awesomeness…why we rock it like no one else…

Yeah, I did it.I went there and proclaimed our own awesomeness. Uh huh. I think moms have the best and hardest and least respected and most worthy job in the world. Regardless of whether or not we are appreciated the way we deserve does not change the fact that, yes, we totally rock. Let me give you a few reasons why.

1. In the same sentence I can chastise, motivate, and encourage all at once. “Now, Hadley, you know that you should not have pushed your brother like that but I understand how being so much bigger can be frustrating but this is why I know next time you will set a great example for Kincaid on how to be a great big brother!!”

2. I can count to 3 and earn immediate obedience, respect, and awe from anyone within listening range. This was accurately portrayed by Tina Fey in “Date Night.” And yes, it works on adults, too.

3. Only an experienced mom can pull down a vile, poop filled diaper, and get it all cleaned up with 1, yes, ONE wipe. I swear, I feel like a secret ninja like, “swoosh swoosh wipe…YEAH BEYOTCH!! Take that!!” I mean, not that I call my baby a beyo…you get the point.

4. I can have a child with a broken/injured/hurt/booboo riddled finger in hysterical laughter in under 35 seconds. Yes, I am that good.

5. To be honest, I still see my friend Theresa as the queen of this. Only a mom, not a culinary chef, but a mom, can make a tasty meal out of kidney beans, tater tots, one mango, and a can of tuna fish on the last day of a 5 week month when the grocery budget ended a week ago.

6. Business crusaders? Heads of state? World leaders? None of them could ride in a car with 4 toddlers and be able to carry on a coherent conversation on the phone. A mom doing carpool? I can hear perfectly well over the laughter, screaming, crying, and fighting in the backseats. I don’t even hear it and can talk around it, as can the other mom on her end of the line.

7. We are true baby whipserers, but this continues up until, well, I am guessing until whatever age til puberty hits when everything becomes a secret. Kids cry. There are like, 48 reasons. And honestly, to the untrained ear, the cries all sound the same. And yet hand me a baby and when it cries, a true mom will say, “Oh, little Reggie needs to poop” or “Oh, baby Franklin needs a pacifier” or “Oh sweet little Georgia, your knee is just fine. Run along and play now!” or “Uh oh. That cry is actual, honest to goodness pain.” We know the difference in the first 1-2 seconds of sound.

How we do these things? I don’t know. I do know, however, we are all over qualified for any position in the world. Running the country from the White House? Please. I am overqualified. It would be boring compared to what I do every day. Disarming the newest wacko dictator from his newly contrived nuclear arsenal? Cake. Disarming the 3 year old holding your iPhone 4s as she holds it over an open potty?? Yeah, give me North Korea or Iran (or the new bad guy and country of the day is) any day baby.

non-hypocrisy hypocrisy for the Bible believer…

I don’t like fake stuff. It bothers me. Sometimes it is annoying, frustrating, or makes me sad or angry.

1. I think that, if you are a Christian, you should be more concerned about how you live, day in and day out, talking about others either negatively or positively, as the indication of your faith walk and not as concerned about people using words like “boobs” or “screwed up” as the indicators of your spirituality.

2. I think that, if you are a true Christian, your focus for what politics is ALL about should have more to do with what is pure, loving, moral and God-honoring as opposed to monetary and greedy and what will keep the most cash in your account.

3. I think that, if you are a true Christian you should read your Bible and really know what is in there before you start telling people what you THINK is in there and pointing out where you THINK they are wrong but can’t back it up. Part 2 of this is for you to actually be one of the people DOING what is actually in that Bible before you should be telling others what and how to do it.

4. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should not get so sidetracked on social media and blaming the internet and big business for everything and instead look to the one small area of the world you occupy and make changes there to start.

5. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should not get into debates with people who are NOT Christians, about why their stances on drinking/premaritalsex/politics/abortion/evolution are wrong. That is beside the point. Last I checked, Jesus did not debate any non-believers on their stance of whether or not they should take their sandals off upon entry into the tent or right after entry. I am also sure He spoke to the heart issue and not the superficial one. Point someone to Jesus. Worry about his or her belief in evolution later.

6. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you pony up when you are wrong. If you have not apologized to anyone in more than a week, you probably struggle with pride. Get over it. Get over yourself. I have been walking with the Lord a while now and I screw up daily. I try to apologize daily, but sometimes I don’t. Why? Because I am proud. So I need to get over it. And get over myself.

7. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should STOP SHOOTING YOUR OWN WOUNDED. What the heck people? Can we stop judging our fellow believers? Micro-analyzing their every move? Making ourselves feel better about how spiritual we are as opposed to others are?? Doesn’t this get old and pathetic to anyone else or I am just out on a limb here? How can we expect to reclaim our world when we are too busy focused on random crap like whether or not to celebrate Halloween, whether Santa is okay, whether running and crying in the church aisles is fine, if a glass of wine is ok, when to let your kids watch  a PG movie, if dancing is of the devil, or whether Catholics really have Jesus. SHUT IT!!!

We will all miss the mark on one or more of these. So own it. Fix it. Move on. Open that Bible up and work on you and Him. Stop worrying so much about everyone and everything else. Oh, and by the way, this is as much a reminder to me as much as it is to everyone else. I don’t count myself above hypocrisy. Why? Cause I am human and I fail and I can be greedy and selfish and proud. But I am trying like heck to beat that out of me. Let’s work on it together, shall we  my horrible, imperfect, just-like-me friends??? Great.

some funny videos for a quick giggle…

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/music_blog/2012/02/watch-it-now-saturday-night-live-jay-z-beyonce-baby.html

I saw this video earlier today. It is making fun of the birth of Beyonce and Jay Z’s baby, named Ivy Blue. Or Blue Ivy. Whatever. I saw it, and laughed pretty hard. Here I will post a couple of my (still) favorite videos because sometimes you just need a laugh. I tend to watch these videos at least once every few months for no reason other than comic relief. Feel free to click and enjoy. And oh yeah, the last one is of my husband doing his dance thing where he accidentally slams into the dresser. This is still my favorite…make sure you watch to the end. It never gets old. At least to me…

First, it’s Business Time. For married people, this is the definition of well, marriage. hahaha…

This next one is breaking the barrier. It is about passing gas as a couple, and is kind of gross. But I swear, I laugh every time. There is a curse word at the end, so a head’s up on that.

And of course, my favorite video of all time, my husband Ken and his dancing genius…

why Facebook is awesome for the Christian community…

A little over a year ago a friend of mine took her own life. It was a wretched day and a horrible situation. After I learned of this, I went onto Facebook and posted, “Prayer please in the face of a brutal and horrible situation this morning” or something like that. I was not being dramatic or attention seeking. I needed prayers, even unspoken ones. Support. But I could not share the details as they were not mine to share at that point. Sadly, I later got some feedback from a person who thought I was being melodramatic or attention seeking. I was not. I was prayer seeking. And you know what? It worked.

As a busy wife and mom who does not have a lot of time to sit around and chat on the phone, my interaction with people is limited. Do I miss some of that? Of course! I am a social person!! But the internet, and social media in particular, affords us with the opportunity for many things. I can see what my friends and family are up to, I can see quick pics in an ongoing basis of their lives, snapshots of their reality. It is fun. It keeps me somehow involved. And I generally do this because I spend 2 hours a day driving. So at every red light I check up online. I drop a note about my day, a funny reflection or observation or a silly comment about someone else’s. But the real value is the mass outpouring of faith to which I can tap into if needed.

When I learned my dad died suddenly, oh, 7 weeks ago now or so…I could not express it. I called my husband. I started to throw clothes on, and got ready to drive the hour and a half to the hospital where he was with my mother and sister. And I popped online for 20 seconds and asked for serious prayer for a heavy issue. Immediately I felt relief and comfort. It was the prayers of people who had no clue. Was I being melodramatic? No. Attention seeking? No. was I replacing human interaction with technology? No. “But Leah, instead of calling someone, you went onto the intent.” Yes I did. And the result was spiritual interaction with literally hundreds of people on my and my family’s behalf.

I think Facebook or some kind of internet social media should be a must have for every Christian if possible. Should it replace everyone in your life? Of course not. But 100′s of prayers in a matter of minutes?? Man. That is a resource I do not want to miss. Talk about the power to connect!!!

the definition of fun…

What, to you, is fun??

I think this is a pretty subjective question. Is it time with your family? Well, for some people, fun is some down time without their families. Is it non stop adventure and planned excitement? Or is it laying around doing nothing? Is it cooking a meal from scratch and having friends over to eat it or is it going out for a quiet dinner with only the two of you?

I see validity in every single one of these. Just because one answer is fun does not mean the other ones are not. So – I have an exercise for you. I would like those who read this to tell me the picture of their perfect day. I know I know – most of you like to lurk. And that is ok. But I want to see a perfect day. No restrictions, no limitations (with the exception of the laws of nature, gravity, and time…things like that.) But tell me your perfect day. Give me the specifics. Here, my friends, is mine.

I wake up in the morning because my husband has pulled me into his arms to give me a kiss. Before things can continue, my 4 monkeys come and climb into bed and snuggle and laugh. We all wrestle for a few minutes and giggle when, as usual, someone gives dad a wedgie. We finally get up and I whip up homemade blueberry pancakes and perfect thick meaty slabs of applewood smoked bacon (which I NEVER cook right (the bacon) hence why it would come out great on my perfect day). After that the kids play nicely (without fights, crying, or bleeding) while I straighten up.  We all put clothes on and the kids brush their teeth without being told 4 times. A family bike ride ensues, and then we come home and I pack up a picnic lunch for the beach. Some of our friends and family join us…we all meet up and play and talk and swim for hours. Eventually we make our way back home where I find that the house is magically and spotlessly cleaned. The kids all play together quietly for an hour while I read a book and relax a bit and Ken does some computer work. A little bit later I cook dinner for the kids, and tuck them into bed with many kisses and prayers, and then I enjoy a quiet meal alone with my husband in the candlelight.

There is an additional perfect day planned around waterfalls and zip lines and exotic travel but I will save that one for next time.

 

a few “where does ——– come from” questions

“Mommy? Where does this sausage come from?” It was our once in a while Burger King breakfast run, and Kincaid was holding the perfectly and thus questionably, round pat tie in the air. I almost never get the meat or anything but apple fries (just fresh apples) and pancakes, but Kincaid had begged and I gave in like a big wuss. “Well…” and before I could explain Chase jumped in. “From the sausage maker. He wears an apron and he puts meat into a machine and it squeezes out these sausage things and then we eat them.” “Nope. It is a pig and they chop him up into parts and put some extra stuff in there and cook it and serve it.” Ok. They were both correct but…”It is a pig? And it is all chopped up?” Me: “Well, yes.” “Is it all his parts or just some? Am I eating a pig’s wiener???” And of course, the requisite giggles and various hysterics ensued. Since I doubt this was certified organic or particular parts, then maybe there is that possibility. However I felt it better to simply change the subject. But remember…once kids are on a typically taboo topic, this is quite difficult to do. Music? School? Beach fun? Nope. No standard kid topic will apply and allow you to change the topic from such a tasty morsel (pardon the pun) such as this. So I pulled out the big guns…

“Who wants to get ice cream after school???” “MEMEME!!!” came the resounding answer. And yes, topic averted successfully. We continued to school and the normal chitchat resumed. They debated the merits of brushing your teeth, why foot-y pajamas are only for babies, and finally talked about who at school picks their boogers the most and why, (“so and so does it because he likes to gross out the girls.” “well in my class it is the GIRLS who pick the most boogers” and so on, which made it clear that the booger conversation was not about putting down the person who picked the most boogers, but apparently praised him or her for doing so as long as the motives were pure and also as long as the boogers were not eaten, unless it was to gross someone out, and in that case it was deemed okay in limited quantity…) As we pulled up to school, and I said my “I Love You!!”‘s and blew kisses, Kincaid said, “My tummy hurts” at which point, Hadley yelled as he hopped out the door held open by the safety patrols while various moms and teachers walked by, “That’s cuz you ate all those pig testicles!!”

Just when you thought you were safe…