1. In the same sentence I can chastise, motivate, and encourage all at once. “Now, Hadley, you know that you should not have pushed your brother like that but I understand how being so much bigger can be frustrating but this is why I know next time you will set a great example for Kincaid on how to be a great big brother!!”

2. I can count to 3 and earn immediate obedience, respect, and awe from anyone within listening range. This was accurately portrayed by Tina Fey in “Date Night.” And yes, it works on adults, too.

3. Only an experienced mom can pull down a vile, poop filled diaper, and get it all cleaned up with 1, yes, ONE wipe. I swear, I feel like a secret ninja like, “swoosh swoosh wipe…YEAH BEYOTCH!! Take that!!” I mean, not that I call my baby a beyo…you get the point.

4. I can have a child with a broken/injured/hurt/booboo riddled finger in hysterical laughter in under 35 seconds. Yes, I am that good.

5. To be honest, I still see my friend Theresa as the queen of this. Only a mom, not a culinary chef, but a mom, can make a tasty meal out of kidney beans, tater tots, one mango, and a can of tuna fish on the last day of a 5 week month when the grocery budget ended a week ago.

6. Business crusaders? Heads of state? World leaders? None of them could ride in a car with 4 toddlers and be able to carry on a coherent conversation on the phone. A mom doing carpool? I can hear perfectly well over the laughter, screaming, crying, and fighting in the backseats. I don’t even hear it and can talk around it, as can the other mom on her end of the line.

7. We are true baby whipserers, but this continues up until, well, I am guessing until whatever age til puberty hits when everything becomes a secret. Kids cry. There are like, 48 reasons. And honestly, to the untrained ear, the cries all sound the same. And yet hand me a baby and when it cries, a true mom will say, “Oh, little Reggie needs to poop” or “Oh, baby Franklin needs a pacifier” or “Oh sweet little Georgia, your knee is just fine. Run along and play now!” or “Uh oh. That cry is actual, honest to goodness pain.” We know the difference in the first 1-2 seconds of sound.

How we do these things? I don’t know. I do know, however, we are all over qualified for any position in the world. Running the country from the White House? Please. I am overqualified. It would be boring compared to what I do every day. Disarming the newest wacko dictator from his newly contrived nuclear arsenal? Cake. Disarming the 3 year old holding your iPhone 4s as she holds it over an open potty?? Yeah, give me North Korea or Iran (or the new bad guy and country of the day is) any day baby.

1. I think that, if you are a Christian, you should be more concerned about how you live, day in and day out, talking about others either negatively or positively, as the indication of your faith walk and not as concerned about people using words like “boobs” or “screwed up” as the indicators of your spirituality.

2. I think that, if you are a true Christian, your focus for what politics is ALL about should have more to do with what is pure, loving, moral and God-honoring as opposed to monetary and greedy and what will keep the most cash in your account.

3. I think that, if you are a true Christian you should read your Bible and really know what is in there before you start telling people what you THINK is in there and pointing out where you THINK they are wrong but can’t back it up. Part 2 of this is for you to actually be one of the people DOING what is actually in that Bible before you should be telling others what and how to do it.

4. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should not get so sidetracked on social media and blaming the internet and big business for everything and instead look to the one small area of the world you occupy and make changes there to start.

5. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should not get into debates with people who are NOT Christians, about why their stances on drinking/premaritalsex/politics/abortion/evolution are wrong. That is beside the point. Last I checked, Jesus did not debate any non-believers on their stance of whether or not they should take their sandals off upon entry into the tent or right after entry. I am also sure He spoke to the heart issue and not the superficial one. Point someone to Jesus. Worry about his or her belief in evolution later.

6. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you pony up when you are wrong. If you have not apologized to anyone in more than a week, you probably struggle with pride. Get over it. Get over yourself. I have been walking with the Lord a while now and I screw up daily. I try to apologize daily, but sometimes I don’t. Why? Because I am proud. So I need to get over it. And get over myself.

7. I think that, if you are a true Christian, you should STOP SHOOTING YOUR OWN WOUNDED. What the heck people? Can we stop judging our fellow believers? Micro-analyzing their every move? Making ourselves feel better about how spiritual we are as opposed to others are?? Doesn’t this get old and pathetic to anyone else or I am just out on a limb here? How can we expect to reclaim our world when we are too busy focused on random crap like whether or not to celebrate Halloween, whether Santa is okay, whether running and crying in the church aisles is fine, if a glass of wine is ok, when to let your kids watch  a PG movie, if dancing is of the devil, or whether Catholics really have Jesus. SHUT IT!!!

We will all miss the mark on one or more of these. So own it. Fix it. Move on. Open that Bible up and work on you and Him. Stop worrying so much about everyone and everything else. Oh, and by the way, this is as much a reminder to me as much as it is to everyone else. I don’t count myself above hypocrisy. Why? Cause I am human and I fail and I can be greedy and selfish and proud. But I am trying like heck to beat that out of me. Let’s work on it together, shall we  my horrible, imperfect, just-like-me friends??? Great.

I saw this video earlier today. It is making fun of the birth of Beyonce and Jay Z’s baby, named Ivy Blue. Or Blue Ivy. Whatever. I saw it, and laughed pretty hard. Here I will post a couple of my (still) favorite videos because sometimes you just need a laugh. I tend to watch these videos at least once every few months for no reason other than comic relief. Feel free to click and enjoy. And oh yeah, the last one is of my husband doing his dance thing where he accidentally slams into the dresser. This is still my favorite…make sure you watch to the end. It never gets old. At least to me…

First, it’s Business Time. For married people, this is the definition of well, marriage. hahaha…

This next one is breaking the barrier. It is about passing gas as a couple, and is kind of gross. But I swear, I laugh every time. There is a curse word at the end, so a head’s up on that.

And of course, my favorite video of all time, my husband Ken and his dancing genius…

As a busy wife and mom who does not have a lot of time to sit around and chat on the phone, my interaction with people is limited. Do I miss some of that? Of course! I am a social person!! But the internet, and social media in particular, affords us with the opportunity for many things. I can see what my friends and family are up to, I can see quick pics in an ongoing basis of their lives, snapshots of their reality. It is fun. It keeps me somehow involved. And I generally do this because I spend 2 hours a day driving. So at every red light I check up online. I drop a note about my day, a funny reflection or observation or a silly comment about someone else’s. But the real value is the mass outpouring of faith to which I can tap into if needed.

When I learned my dad died suddenly, oh, 7 weeks ago now or so…I could not express it. I called my husband. I started to throw clothes on, and got ready to drive the hour and a half to the hospital where he was with my mother and sister. And I popped online for 20 seconds and asked for serious prayer for a heavy issue. Immediately I felt relief and comfort. It was the prayers of people who had no clue. Was I being melodramatic? No. Attention seeking? No. was I replacing human interaction with technology? No. “But Leah, instead of calling someone, you went onto the intent.” Yes I did. And the result was spiritual interaction with literally hundreds of people on my and my family’s behalf.

I think Facebook or some kind of internet social media should be a must have for every Christian if possible. Should it replace everyone in your life? Of course not. But 100′s of prayers in a matter of minutes?? Man. That is a resource I do not want to miss. Talk about the power to connect!!!

I think this is a pretty subjective question. Is it time with your family? Well, for some people, fun is some down time without their families. Is it non stop adventure and planned excitement? Or is it laying around doing nothing? Is it cooking a meal from scratch and having friends over to eat it or is it going out for a quiet dinner with only the two of you?

I see validity in every single one of these. Just because one answer is fun does not mean the other ones are not. So – I have an exercise for you. I would like those who read this to tell me the picture of their perfect day. I know I know – most of you like to lurk. And that is ok. But I want to see a perfect day. No restrictions, no limitations (with the exception of the laws of nature, gravity, and time…things like that.) But tell me your perfect day. Give me the specifics. Here, my friends, is mine.

I wake up in the morning because my husband has pulled me into his arms to give me a kiss. Before things can continue, my 4 monkeys come and climb into bed and snuggle and laugh. We all wrestle for a few minutes and giggle when, as usual, someone gives dad a wedgie. We finally get up and I whip up homemade blueberry pancakes and perfect thick meaty slabs of applewood smoked bacon (which I NEVER cook right (the bacon) hence why it would come out great on my perfect day). After that the kids play nicely (without fights, crying, or bleeding) while I straighten up.  We all put clothes on and the kids brush their teeth without being told 4 times. A family bike ride ensues, and then we come home and I pack up a picnic lunch for the beach. Some of our friends and family join us…we all meet up and play and talk and swim for hours. Eventually we make our way back home where I find that the house is magically and spotlessly cleaned. The kids all play together quietly for an hour while I read a book and relax a bit and Ken does some computer work. A little bit later I cook dinner for the kids, and tuck them into bed with many kisses and prayers, and then I enjoy a quiet meal alone with my husband in the candlelight.

There is an additional perfect day planned around waterfalls and zip lines and exotic travel but I will save that one for next time.

“Who wants to get ice cream after school???” “MEMEME!!!” came the resounding answer. And yes, topic averted successfully. We continued to school and the normal chitchat resumed. They debated the merits of brushing your teeth, why foot-y pajamas are only for babies, and finally talked about who at school picks their boogers the most and why, (“so and so does it because he likes to gross out the girls.” “well in my class it is the GIRLS who pick the most boogers” and so on, which made it clear that the booger conversation was not about putting down the person who picked the most boogers, but apparently praised him or her for doing so as long as the motives were pure and also as long as the boogers were not eaten, unless it was to gross someone out, and in that case it was deemed okay in limited quantity…) As we pulled up to school, and I said my “I Love You!!”‘s and blew kisses, Kincaid said, “My tummy hurts” at which point, Hadley yelled as he hopped out the door held open by the safety patrols while various moms and teachers walked by, “That’s cuz you ate all those pig testicles!!”

Just when you thought you were safe…

1. Titling a blog “Gorgeous pics of my 4 year old boy” is a sure way to invite really really disgusting people onto your site. You people are truly sick and without purpose in this world.

2. Titling a blog “a crazy massage and the best french toast in the world” will, additionally yield some crazies. However, these crazies are of the general and harmless perv variety and not the kid perv variety, which are two very different things.

3. What I thought would be difficult is easy and what I thought would easy is difficult. Finding something to blog about almost daily is surprisingly easy, probably because I have 4 kids and a somewhat fun and crazy life. Also, it may be because I get almost no adult conversation or interaction during the day, with the exception of this blog so I get it all out. And I thought keeping it funny all the time would be easy but it is not. Sometimes life is tough and you want to cry, or at least get all deep about it. So I learned early on not to pretend. If it is a down day, share why. But this was tough at first because I didn’t want to bring down the vibe, you know?

4. Reality. How being real is well, being really real. In person or on the internet I am what I am. Aka – what you see is what you get. I see a lot of people with blogs, or on Facebook, who “have it all together” all the time. Everything is perfect – marriage, kids, business. Then they drop off the map and a few months later there is big news. I think the internet is seen in 2 different ways There are 1.) the people who see it as an opportunity to be someone totally different and 2.) the people who see it as an opportunity to fully flesh out who they really are. I don’t think either one is bad, as surely they both have their functions. I am part of group 2.

5. Time. I put very little time into this blog. It is cathartic for me, and apparently brings humor to others. Talk about a win-win.

6. Why. Choosing the what’s and the how’s and the why’s. Obviously, there are things I do NOT put into my blog. I know that surprises some of you because, well, it is kind of all out there. And yet it is not. I never use the names of other children. Ever. I do not talk about where we are. I never share the confidences of my husband or children. Some people would say, “Yo wrote about how your kid ate poop!! That could traumatize them one day! How could you??” Oh whine whine whine. This is the digital version of the photo album that mom brings out for every visitor in the world. “Look at little Joey in the tub. He is playing with his pee pee!!!” and a while room of strangers laugh. Same thing. Sorry Johnny.

7. Motivation. It has changed over the course of this blog, and yet not really. I thought it was a good way to keep family and friends who live out of town connected with our lives because I am not a phone person. However, since family never really dialed in (at least mine) this obviously was irrelevant. Quickly it became an outlet, a funny story place, even a place to share my faith, which I only do overtly once in a blue moon as I tend to weave it throughout rather than present it regularly…

8. Whining. I am not prone to it. But once in a while I need 5 minutes (ok…or 30…) for a pity party. This blog does the trick nicely.

9. Hope. The fact is, the world is a messed up place. But as messed up as it is, there is some notion that we all have to have it together all the time. Well, I don’t. And I don’t apologize for that. And maybe, some people are able to read the goods and the bars of my life and realize that not having it all together all the time is ok. Maybe it gives them hope that things will be ok. That Christianity does not mean perfection. That parenting does not mean perfection. That marriage will NEVER mean perfection. What unrealistic expectations. What horrible feelings of inadequacy we put on each other. “Well, you don’t have enough faith.” etc etc etc. Blah blah blah.  Gimme a break. Why are we so scared to say “I hate my husband today.” “My kids are driving me nuts today.” “I feel down for no reason and I need some help.” Instead we put the faces on and act happy even in struggle and play it all roses. And then we wonder why things fall apart. Because when we don’t admit it, we can’t deal with it. If we don’t deal with it, we can’t fix it. And if we can’t fix it, it is broken. Makes sense to me at least. So please, look at my wonderful amazing but very messy imperfect life and have hope that most of us have a touch of crazy whether we admit it or not.

10. The memories. I LOVE that I will have this forever. I LOVE that my kids will see all the wonderful things I would never be able to recall otherwise. Not a mere still photo. Not even 14 seconds in video as they play their instruments at a recital. But the thoughts and feelings surrounding it, the depth of it…one day they can read these and they will KNOW me in a way they never could otherwise.

I think back on a movie like The Bridges of Madison County – where grown children lose a parent. And by going through their homes, their effects, they get a fuller picture of who their parents were as people, as adults, as souls. Well, I don’t want to be dead and gone before my children know me. They don’t need to know me now. I am their mom. That’s all they need to know. But as they get older, I would pray they learn about themselves and me and Ken in such a way as to see our truest hearts and motives and loves and disappointments in a way that rounds out their lives. Does this make sense?? This to me is the most precious facet of what I am doing, and why I will never stop, regardless of how many readers I have or don’t have.

But most people don’t know the origin of Valentine’s Day – it is about a man who sacrificed himself for the love of God, the love of righteousness, and the love of the institution of marriage. Pretty cool.

My heart is so full today. My newly 8 year old, Hadley, has had a little crush for over a year now. Last year he said, “Mom, I have a secret.” He then told me he liked a sweet girl in his class, but that it was top secret. I have respected his wishes completely. But last night he said, “Mom, I want to write ——- a note telling her I like her and I want to get her a stuffed animal.” A stuffed tiger, a handwritten note, and a candy necklace later and he was ready.

I got to school today. First I did the Kindergarten class. We iced cookies and sprinkled them and ate cake pops. Then I hustled upstairs to the 2nd grade. There I passed out cupcakes and (gag) chocolate covered fritos. Yes, seriously. Anyway, I asked Hadley surreptitiously about how it went – it had been on my mind all day. How could it not?? This is the first in what will surely be a long line of potentially heartbreaking scenarios for my sweet son. He is a sporty kid. A tough guy. A funny class clown. But he actually has a sensitive heart. And I knew that he had, for the first time in his young life, the potential to be hurt by someone. And a girl at that. Anyway, he said, “Mom, I have not had any quiet time with her! I have not been able to do it!” I told him that, if he was too shy to do it, he did not need to. It was okay. But no, he was not shy. He just didn’t want to giver her the gifts in front of everyone. so as the bell rang and the class filed out at the end, I was privileged to watch my son grab her elbow and ask her to wait. And I stood in the hall listening and peeking while he reached into his bag and gave her the gifts and told her he liked her, and she told him she liked him too. Then they ran out and that was it.

My mommy heart was so relieved. It was also proud at my little mini-manly stud muffin.  But it was also a reminder that one day, heartbreak will come. It comes for all of us in one way or another, and I can’t keep him from all of it.

In the meantime, I will be alone tonight since my husband has to work. He has sent a copious about of flowers, and will surely have gift in hand when I see him. I don’t stress this stuff. I love him every day. And he loves me every day. And flowers don’t spell out his love. Nor do purses. Or diamonds.

But well, sure. They help.

My friend Carmelita was over today. Now, Carmelita has a lady issue that, sadly, many of us experience once we have children. A little loss of bladder control. Does this ring a bell for some of you?? I must confess, that yes, I too at times lose the ability to hold it all in. So a huge sneeze or big belly laugh may end up eliciting a little trickle of pee. Yes, when I laugh hard I sometimes pi** myself. It is not like I end up swimming in a puddle of urine, and this is not too uncommon, but it is a fact of lady life. For any gents reading – I warned you in the title. But don’t judge – as you age you have urinary tract issues as well, so you have prostate issues and all sorts of fun on the way too. Well my friend Carmelita has this issue, but worse. A cough. A sneeze. A laugh. A giggle. A jog. A jostle. Almost anything helps poor Carmelita void her bladder. All the kegels in the world have not helped, although apparently they have improved her love life…but that is neither here nor there. So finally, after years and years of this, and the awareness that she does not want to be a 30 something wearing Depends, she went to her ob/gyn and discussed it to see what the deal was. If this is already too much detail for you then stop reading now.

Now, there are some universal truths to which I deeply ascribe. The beauty of every child, regardless of color or nationality or anything else. The innate truth of a Creator God. And the fact that, when laying back and flat on your gynecologist’s table you never want to here the doctor exclaim, “OH MY!!” in surprise or shock. That can’t be good.

Well, this was Carmelita’s experience this week. She was not pleased (duh) and quickly her kind and normally tactful lady doc launched into an explanation. When told to cough, so the doctor could understand what was going on down there, the bladder came out. Oh my!! Yes, I can understand the doctor’s reaction. It is a general truth that the bladder should not come out of the vag*na when you cough. However, this did answer the peepee question, and this comforted my friend deeply. This condition is called a prolapsed bladder and it is not uncommon, but it is not often discussed. But here is the best – want to learn the solution? Well, surgery is one option. However, the newest and easiest way to treat this condition?? Wait for it…a little more. Ok, ready? Botox. Yup. Botox. So my friend, in the name of strengthening the muscle that keeps the two lady parts separate, needs botox in her hoo-ha. My first question was whether it will make her vag*na look younger, and would it be able to show emotion any more…she did not think that was funny. (Ok. She actually did. And her husband thought it was particularly hilarious.)

It makes me sad that it took my friend so long to seek out an answer for this, but I am glad she has an answer now and an easy, relatively non-invasive fix for it. The human body is a beautiful thing. And, once you have kids, not much is a mystery any more (nothing like pushing pushing pushing and having the janitor and a bunch of random people walk on through taking pictures and video and you don’t even care because a watermelon is coming out of a keyhole but I digress). And when things go wrong, we should talk about it, seek advice and help (and sometimes avoid web md and the show “House” because a normal cough suddenly indicates West Nile Virus and who knows what else…) and not be fearful or nervous. So if you regularly giggle and trickle simultaneously, look into it. Don’t be shy!!

“I will take these 7 boxes.” Go big or go home right?? Also, I figure I will get a bunch and give the majority to the baby sitter, thereby alleviating my guilt and doing a good deed. A 19 year old can eat whatever she wants, boxes and boxes worth. 2 peanut butter patties (or tagalongs…whatever) later and I am up a pants size. So I get my cookies, get home, promptly give multiple boxes to the wonderful Ms. Ashley, and bring the kids into the house. I only ate a couple. And then this morning I served them for breakfast. To the kids. Not to myself. Yet.

On a sad note, Whitney Houston died. Such as sad waste of talent. I recently saw the movie “Country Strong” with Gwyneth Paltrow and Faith Hill’s husband or something. There was a line in there I considered immediately when I read about Whitney’s passing. “Love and fame can not live in the same place.” I think this is, quite often, the case. Love and almost anything else have a tough time co-residing. Something fleeting, and, deep down meaningless, sharing space with love is often a losing proposition. I think this applies to wealth as well. As long as love stays the priority, if love stays in first place you have a chance. But if the fame, the wealth, the love of the material things in the world take the place of love as your priority, I think it is only a matter of time. The only way to truly beat an addiction is for the love to be stronger. Love of God, or love of self, or love of a spouse, or love of a child. The addiction can be a substance. A drink. A bank account. A public persona. But if the love does not measure more that the addictive need, love will lose. And when love loses, well, life loses. And I think that is what happened here, and sadly, happens more often than not. I wish her family the best, and peace and healing to her daughter for whom she so tried to get clean, and for the loss of an amazing talent the likes of which today’s pop voices have no equal.