Oh man. I know, I know. I opened a big old can of worms with this one. Now, let me make a disclaimer. This is my opinion. Additionally, it is NOT all inclusive. There are all sorts of reasons like family intervention, drug and alcohol and other dependence issues and addictions, and other things that can erode the foundation of a marriage and leave it to fall when the first mudslide hits. So please, know that this is not an exhaustive study on the topic.
Rather, I am approaching this from the perspective of someone who right now is watching the dissolution of many different marriages, all at once. I talk to, get private emails from, and hear from friends both new and old about their lives. There is something about writing a public and, well, very open and honest blog that connects me to the lives of others. I never knew that would be a side effect of blogging, but it is so. And I embrace it as it brings many other joys, but also, some real heartaches too. Ok…enough with the qualifications. Here are, from my perspective, some of the primary reasons marriages are failing day in and day out.
1.) Priorities. Your marriage MUST be a priority. If it is not, it will fail. Why?? Because life in general is tough. When we hit the rough spots, which we will again and again, we always hold dear to our priorities, to the things we cherish. And when spouses see that they are not the priority to the other, it gets easier and easier to let other things, and people, become more important. And by then it is almost too late. Jobs, family, kids, money, things…don’t let these be more important than your spouse.
2.) Love. Too many people think marriage is about love. Man, what a load of crap! Granted, this is perpetuated by Disney, Hollywood, tv shows, magazines, Nicholas Sparks…name the poison. Typically, marriage starts because of love, although sometimes it begins because of lust or friendship. But in general we meet, fall in love, and plan our happily ever after. But when the love fades, so does the commitment. How weak and sad of us!!I can honestly say I have probably spent more time OUT of love with Kenny than IN love with him. But my commitment, my promise has never (ok, well mostly never) wavered. And same with him for me. We are both deeply flawed, weak willed, selfish individuals with tons of baggage. But we renew our VOW, not our love, every day as we choose to try again and never give up. I have used this quote before and I will again. It is not the LOVE that sustains the promise but the PROMISE that sustains the love!!
3.) In-laws and other people. Let me be honest here. I have a great relationship with my Florida inlaws and a great relationship with the majority of my CT inlaws. I love them all. Why? They LOVE my husband and my kids, and they tolerate me. Haha. (I think…) The problem is not always if you get along or not. This kind of links back to number one. There can’t be anyone more important than your spouse. There just can’t. When something great happens, who do you call? A confidence to share…who hears the details? Wisdom to be found…does your spouse share the first insight? If the answer to ANY of these is no, well, there is a problem. A mom or dad’s needs are not meant to be considered first over and above your spouse’s…no matter how close you are. IT DOES NOT MATTER. When you marry, you leave the old family and start building a new one. Here is the analogy. A guy is a builder. He had one house a while back. It is nice, comfortable, and well made, but like all houses, needs some upkeep. In the meantime, he moves out of that and he starts building a beautiful, new home with all the trimmings. Well, soon, because the old house needs some updating, he starts taking the materials out of the new house and puts it into the old house. The new place gets watered down cement because the old one needs some fresh cement and instead of telling the owners of the old house to properly go out and buy their own cement, they demand he take the nice cement from the new house and give it to them, leaving him with inadequate new cement for the new house. And windows?? Well, the old house owners take the fresh new windows from the new house, and hence the new one gets the old cracked windows. Are you following the analogy here?? If your original family is getting the best from you once you are married, your spouse is only getting leftovers and that is very, very wrong. It erodes the foundation, trust, and priority in your marriage. Time to cut the cord, folks. Both husbands and wives struggle with this, but it must happen. And kids are sometimes ALSO the other people!! This one is hard because kids can’t get their own cement. In many ways a child’s needs must come first. But notice what I said…NEEDS not wants. Yes, the child can not make himself supper or get to school on time. So sometimes the spouse must wait. But if it is a want? Well, a spouse should come first. And that is a wonderful lesson to give your kids – a marriage that is about putting the other person first and the priority of the marital relationship.
4.) Keeping up with the Jones. Comparison. Comparing your marriage, kids, home, life to others is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because you will NEVER measure up. Someone and something will always be better. Marriage does get boring and complacent at times. I am not gonna lie. We have petty disagreements, we take each other for granted, and so on. It is very easy to look across the street, or into the car next to you, or to the boutique in the mall you can’t afford or at the tv show and think that the grass is always greener. It may seem so. And if you go that route, sometimes the grass IS greener. But to keep it green requires the same effort. And if you can’t put the effort into keeping it green in your first relationship, job, or home, you sure as heck won’t put it into the second. Ardor cools, love fades, lust wanes. So stop worrying about what you don’t have, and start working on what you do.
5.) Sex. Yup. I said it. Sex sex sex. I said it again. I am SO tired of hearing women complain to me that I reference sex too much, or tell them they should be more active, or swear that their husbands are not that into it anyway. Are there a few men out there not very interested in sex with their wives? Yes. VERY few. Men, by design and physiology, are sexual beings (so are women) and there are TONS of studies that show how men have sexual thoughts throughout the day, throughout the night, and have a need for physical and sexual release on a more regular basis than (most) women. And yet we insist “not our man!” Well ladies, sorry, but time to suck it up and take it for the team. I did a survey of a smallish group of husbands a few years back. I am tempted to do another to see if the answers are the same. Anyway, I asked the men, again, anonymously, how many times a week they would prefer to have sex with their wives. The UNANIMOUS answer?? At least 3. The average amount they were getting it?? MAYBE once a week “if they were lucky.” Look, I know we are tired. I get it. I know we get touched all day long. I get that too. I know that it is easier to go to throw the grungy pi’s on as opposed to the thigh highs. But deal with it. There is a MAJOR problem with pornography in this world. There are scenarios where men are exposed to that crap at a young age and it defines them with various sexual addictions and other problems. But many men get bored and lonely and end up looking for stimulation and adventure. Why, as women, would we want that for them? To be honest, I want to be the best stimulation and adventure that my husband could ever want or imagine. And if I keep him happy and fulfilled in this area, he tends to meet the needs for trust and love and security that are so vital to ME. I think this topic is WAY under spoken about in the Christian community. But God designed it, and we better start talking about it because look around folks. Over half of our marriages fail. I don’t want to contribute to that statistic. No one does!!!
Again, this list is not extensive. But from what I see, all around me, all the time, I can tell you that these are some of the major factors that can determine whether you will make it or not. I want my marriage to last for 70 years. I want to be like the dumb movie The Notebook, where we die in each other’s arms after a long passionate life together. Will that happen?? I don’t know. There are two people in my marriage, not just one. What I DO know is that I plan on doing everything in MY power to make it happen, and trust God, and my husband, for the rest.
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I am a stay at home mom. I would not have it any other way. However, the kids are starting school in the fall…even Elis Rey, sadly, will be going two half days a week. I don’t like it. I would prefer to have them all home with me each and every day. But as much as I love the idea of homeschooling, I don’t think saying, “Oh guys, it is gorgeous out. Let’s bail on school now and go surfing. We can finish math later!!” every single day would lend itself to a great education. Thus, school it is. I have a home office, but it is being converted into a school/craft/homework room for the kids. I use the loft upstairs as a play space, and the kids really need a place that is specifically designed for school work and that is also a central place for their school and activity supplies. As a result I have gotten the boot out of my office. So much for that.
I love family. I love my kids, and other people’s kids. Ken had to go out of town very briefly last night. Before he left, he looked me in the eye, gave me a big, sloppy wet kiss and said, “Baby, I don’t know how you manage 5 kids like it is nothing. And I love you for it. But don’t go getting any ideas.” And with another big kiss and a few playful grabs, he was out the door. Man…my husband knows me far too well.
