Some friends of mine got divorced last year.
Broke my heart, but more importantly, broke both of them, their families, a church, and many people around them. The cause? Well, lots of reasons, and I am not placing blame here. But this stuck with me. His words, back when they got engaged…
“God set this in motion. It is so clearly His design. His will. His plan. We are simply walking it, and are lucky enough to have each other in it. This is all God’s plan, right here, right now, and for the rest of our lives.”
Beautiful words, right?
Not any more. Because those words stopped existing. They changed. Again, his words. “Well, God’s plan is clear. We are not right for each other. She doesn’t meet my needs and I don’t love her anymore. God’s plan is not for me to be in an unfulfilled marriage. Or for her either, to live like that, unhappy and lonely all the time. God wants more for both of us.”
Now, there are many reasons for the failure of this marriage. I know some of them, but surely, not all. I wasn’t there in those dark moments, hearing each word, living each cruel bit that compounded to become deeper and more broken with each passing day.
But I have my own….my own dark places of what feel like misery and defeat and hopelessness. I have them in my marriage, in my family, in my failures, in my parenting. I see them in life and death and all around me. We all have them. There are moments that are awful….things and words and instances I WISH I could forget ever occurred, ever existed. Things that were done to me, things that I did to others. That is life, and humanity. Broken and fallible, all of us.
But somewhere in the last few years it has become this option. We can claim God’s divine purpose and then, when that purpose gets too uncomfortable, or is different than what we expected, we can claim that it was NOT God’s purpose and we can back away. Retreat. Run.
In the past week I have been watching just such a scenario unfold. I hate it. I hate seeing it. But there is a child involved, so yeah, I inserted myself into the aftermath a little bit. Because that? That is my line in the sand issue. We all have them. Politics. Religious ideology. Character. Love. Something.
For me? It is children (with integrity running a close second.) When I see a child abused in some way, or in this case, about to be dismissed after enduring something horrific, I can’t sit idly by. Does that make me worthy of the names I have been called this week? Here is the incomplete list…sick, selfish, insane, drama whore, self proclaimed God, bi*ch, lying bi*tch, liar, glory seeker, attention seeker, false prophet (huh??), I’m trying to be God, I’m sitting on his judgment seat, I have no right to speak, no right to pray, I am putting others down, elevating myself, putting spin, playing the redemptive hero, and more.
Am I worth of those names? Deserving of them? Maybe to the ones calling me them, I am. And if so? So be it. Because no, I don’t want to be called names. People can say words don’t hurt but they do. I am not playing God. I am not selfish. I have no gain by standing up and saying that the adoptive community is missing something. We are not working on and addressing an issue that is out of control. A couple of issues, if we are honest. And the result is breaking children who have already been broken. Hurting those who are already so very hurt. And that is not acceptable to me.
I am sorry for the two families who officially disrupted last week, and the third in process of doing so right now (with a 4th on the near horizon very possibly.) I am heartbroken for ALL of you…the families and the children. But every time an adoptive family disrupts, the same thing happens. The family comes home devastated, hurting, so upset, and rightfully so. I don’t take away from that pain, and I never have. But without fail the CHILD is the ultimate victim in this and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THAT PART!!!! Nothing gets done!! Why? The file is canceled out, the child is not available any more, pictures have to be removed, and the previously newly named son or daughter ceases to be real to any of us any more and that to me is far more heartbreaking than the loss any family walks through.
As Christians (if you are one…if you aren’t then ignore this commission and no judgment!!) how can we say, definitely, “God led us to this plan!!! This is it!!! So clear! So obvious! Totally confirmed!!!” and then bail when it doesn’t match what we wanted, hoped for or preferred? How can we claim God’s plan and God’s presence and God’s provision and God’s perfection and all that goes with those things, only to deny them when they don’t look the way we want?? That is exactly what keeps happening.
It does hurt my heart that the families who disrupted this past week are hurting. Yes, I sort of “focused” on one family in particular because I read their blog and FB posts and fell in love with the face of that little sweetie and prayed for their journey. I am so sorry that they are broken and hurting, and so sorry that they are angry with me, and feel that I am an awful and selfish person. Heck, I don’t blame them for being angry at me. No, I never outed them publicly. No, I never lied. But yeah. I have made a tough situation a little more public than they would have preferred and I don’t blame them for being angry, for hating me. I don’t blame people who are lashing out at me on their behalf. I truly get it. I have not seen any parts of the journey of the other two disruptions this week (again, one is ongoing right now apparently.) I HATE that it is happening!!!! One seems senseless to me…expectations were too high, reality was too disappointing. The other I know nothing about.
But MAN!!!!! How is that unlike ANYTHING worthwhile in life!! So much in this world is vastly different than what we expect. We miss out on the best blessings when we walk away in fear! Labor. I expected all natural. Got Csections! By third labor I expected a Csection and the then normal scenario. I didn’t expect the anesthesia not to work. I hardly expected to FEEL my surgery!! I NEVER expected marriage to be so brutally hard! I never expected to have 5 kids (although I hoped) and at kiddo one I never expected to ever adopt. But here I am. I never expected to be broken in the ways I have been. But all of those situations have been made beautiful, or are in the process of that beautiful creation!!! I have to cling to that. I must!!
And I can’t just alter God’s plans, or claim them as altered, because I don’t like it or agree with it anymore or am uncomfortable or want something new. Not in my marriage, and not in my parenting. God never promises us the comfortable way. The easy way. In fact, just the opposite! When we do His will we will encounter discomfort, hardship, tribulation. It is a Biblical promise!
If you want to claim God then claim Him as HE IS. He is immutable, unchanging. He is omniscient, all knowing. He is omnipresent, always there. He is PERFECT. If He gives me a plan, and I accept it, and sign on the line, and commit to that plan, I need to follow through. And sometimes, well, I am human. Maybe I fail. Maybe I even walk out. Back out. Or run. I am so utterly human. Yes, I too run from discomfort. Maybe my marriage will make it 60 years. Maybe it won’t. Maybe the other plans God set before me which I have embraced, accepted, and followed…maybe those will all come to fruition, just as He hoped for me!
But maybe they all won’t. Ok. Probably they all won’t. I fail. I will keep failing. BUT I HAVE TO OWN THAT AS FAILURE!!! I won’t say God’s plan was faulty, and I won’t say it changed because I got uncomfortable. None of us should. Admit when you are scared. Admit when you failed. To one of these families? I am sorry. I failed you and I hurt you. I DID reach out to you. I sent messages. I saw it happening. I did try. But I didn’t try enough and maybe I should have. And now you are hurting, and now yes, people are learning what happened because a boy was left behind in all this and the adoptive community needs to talk about these things. Maybe not your name, but the situation. And I am truly sorry that hurts you. From my heart I am, as I have stated again and again. As I feel for the other families walking this road.
But I still have to speak up. The adoptive community needs some ideas. We need some action. And this sweet boy needs a home. AND HE IS HURTING MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THIS! And moreso? He needs prayer and focus and love sent his way, more than anyone else’s. Not mine, not those who left him, HIS.
And if my little tiny blog can do this, if my annoying voice can do this, then there has been success. This success does not benefit me. I don’t need friends, I don’t make money, my blog means nothing except when it can be used to change something, anything, for the least of these. And it is so I keep typing.
Friday at midnight, May 22 is the deadline. Post your comment and make a pledge. Matching funds up to $3500.00 USD to help make sure that his forever family is able to bring him home and start loving him as soon as possible. I am not keen on adoption fundraising (that’s another topic) unless done very carefully and respectfully. In this case? It is to make sure that the BEST family for him will not be hindered. That maybe someone will step up and say “We KNOW he is ours. But the timing is off and we can’t do it” and instead will find out that they can just board the plane and go bring their sweet boy home. Quickly.