I feel like Paul Revere.
“The snowbirds are coming!!!! The snowbirds are coming!!!”
There are some unwritten rules you need to understand if you are going to be driving down here. Please, I beg of you, read these, and consider your actions, and forward to the loved ones who come down here to visit. I, and a whole gang of my suburban mama friends, will hunt you down if you don’t.
1.) If the speed limit is 40 then you drive at 45. Period. The only people who are allowed to drive slower, and only at 41 or 42, are those who are really really old drivers, or really really new drivers. And if it is under 41, then you shouldn’t be driving.
2.) If you are on the highway, stay out of the left lane unless you are going fast. Sure, pass someone slow in the middle lane, then get your 68 in a 65 zone butt back over to the middle so the rest of us can stay on cruise control at 74 in said 65.
3.) If you break the rules of either 1 or 2 in my little florida town, you may got honked at, yelled at, tail-gated, obscene gestured, etc. Not a big deal, and little fall out possible. However, make note. If you do this is Miami you will be SHOT.
4.) If you are hitting the beach, and you say, “Aw, it is only 78 degrees and really cloudy. We don’t need sunblock!” please reconsider because you are being an idiot. You will be sunburned. And that ain’t cool cause that can lead to death and stuff.
5.) If you are going to a waterpark, of which we have many, please make sure your tray tables are fastened and in the upright position. I.E. – tie your bikinis tight and wear cover ups. Duh.
6.) If you want something built here, add 2 times the cost and 2-3 times the timeframe originally quoted for the job. I don’t care where you are from, or who you are, or how much you will pay for an “on time” build. Our craftsmen may be talented. They may be the best. But on a good day for fishing, they are not showing up on your worksite. Period. Money is irrelevant. Offer bonuses. Offer souls. Doesn’t matter. The surf, the golf, or the fish are calling.
7.) Go read some Carl Hiassen novels.
8.) Going to Walmart anywhere in the world is a crap shoot at best. In Florida? You are 110% guaranteed some kind of crazy. Could be anything though, so be on the lookout. I have seen a. nudity b. vomit on floor c. a fake finger in the plums and that is not even listing the really weird stuff. Needless to say I hardly ever go there. The 12 dollars in savings is not worth the trauma.
9.) If you move down here and expect personal space, you will get it as neighbors rarely really know their neighbors. This changes, of course, if anything sue-worthy comes to light. In this instance, get comfy with Florida laws and statues, and get in the habit of quoting them freely and randomly to your neighbors to insure that they know that you know your laws and won’t tolerate them trying to threaten you for having your trash cans on your driveway but partially touching the street.